zfaust
I’m Looking For Distraction.
Sure, I stare at my laptop screen for at least ten hours a day. I have to. My work depends on it. For as long as I’m gainfully employed as a designer, that will never change.
Sure, my iPad is on for hours while working on an illustration project, or doing research for school. I don’t have a choice.
But looking at the amount of time I stare at my phone makes me nauseous. What the hell am I even staring at? Thankfully this report tells me. I scroll through reels on Instagram, job listings on LinkedIn, travel itineraries on AirBnb, and laugh at shitposts on Tumblr. For many, many hours each day.
Truly nothing, but distractions.
But distraction from what?
My plate is full and I don’t have the time to expend on something providing me nothing.
When I catch myself, eyes glazed, finger swiping across the glass I try to alter my behavior. I can remain on my phone, but I force myself switch to something a little more stimulating. Perhaps an article or the news.
But as I shift my focus to those things I get instantly depressed. Every platform, every day is polluted with the most awful news possible. The biggest company in the world is using AI to automate the fun jobs and 10,000 people are laid off, more and more children and civilians murdered in the Middle East, inflation increasing to the point of being untenable, civil rights constantly being chipped away, and the bad guys are somehow protected and making billions by the newly enacted “Let Villains Be Villains” law.
And the crazy thing is I’m tired to do anything else, but too worked up to not be able to focus on anything else. All that leaves me is going back to scrolling.
It’s much easier to remain distracted, to passively consume, than it is to form a thought anymore. And it’s disgusting!
Finding a spare moment to reflect on that idea while the next reel loads throws me into a spiral.
Finally stimulus from something other than my phone.
I think a large part of my confusion of where I should be, where I want to be is from being constantly distracted. I don’t provide myself an environment to think. Only to react. Only to consume.
Whenever I get a break from the algorithm I feel like I’m making the journey back to my purpose. But when I come across some conflict, some friction, I jump right back into the safety of the distraction machine.
What would life look like if I just allowed myself to be uncomfortable?
If I allowed myself to just move throughout the day thinking. I know the tech oligarchs fear that, but I’m smart enough to understand why. So why do I feel like I’m doing anything different by trying to consciously expose myself to this slop? If I know it’s bad and continue to do it, then I’m only hurting myself more and more.
More importantly why do I feel like my job, my role as a designer revolves around this? Why do I feel like a failed designer for not filming my creative process? Why do I feel like a failure for not having a content plan for my LinkedIn? And why do I feel like I’m not doing enough because I’m not consistently posting spec work on Behance, Dribble, and Pinterest?
If the world of design truly relies on these actions to enable a designer to label themselves as a designer, then do I truly want to be called a designer?
Maybe the distraction I’m looking for is to postpone myself from having the time to answer these questions. To buy myself another day before I need to sit down and truly reflect on what I want to do. If I could just clock into my job, come home to distractions, and then repeat the cycle until I die, then maybe life wouldn’t be as difficult as I make it.
But my brain knows it wouldn’t survive doing that. Consciously I know I’d be fine, but viscerally I’m unable to accept that. The flesh suit that’s evolved over the past millions of years refuses to accept that, so why not listen to what it’s trying to tell me?